Exhausted ramblings

Disclaimer:  I was at work until midnight on Tuesday and then for 12 hours on Wednesday, and 3 hours today on my day off.  I am very tired and need to unload bit.  So please excuse the exhausted ramblings.

Last night as we were crawling in bed B told me about his grocery trip with C yesterday.  They had one of those two seater carts and C was sitting in one of the seats.  C lost it and pitched a tantrum in the store because he wanted someone to sit with him in the cart, specifically a little boy to sit with him!  Sit with him “RIGHT THERE” pointing at the second seat.  B told him mommy and daddy were working on it- that we are working on our adoption so he can have someone to sit with.

My heart broke.  My heart broke because my two year old is lonely.  He is such a social kid and LOVES playing with our neighborhood children.  He loved daycare when he was enrolled.  I think he’ll still love it when B goes back to work and C is in day care again. I think he’ll love school next year.  C wants someone to sit with.  I want to give him a sibling as much as I want another child.  It is all wrapped up together in one aching hole of knowing our family is not complete at three people, one dog, one cat and one bird.

But then, then there is the worry.  Don’t think because we’ve decided to move forward that we don’t, I don’t worry about if it is exactly the right choice.  Are we ready for two (or more) children?  Are we capable of being good adoptive parents? Will we be able to complete this process and what will life look like on the other side?   But you know what? Every prospective parent asks those questions and they are never answered until you get there.  No one knows if they are read of if they will be able to do a good job of it until they get there.  Honestly, if we end up over our heads what we’ll do is seek help! Just like we would with any child we add to our family.

There is also the worry about timelines.  If I could MAKE it happen faster and have another child home in 2 months I would!  But I know the process will take 12-18 months AFTER we sign on with our coordinator and we have not be able to do that yet.  Why not? Well honestly it is a money issue.  We have to be smart about this and have a financial cushion before pulling the trigger- and we are working on it.

A few people have commented that it would be easier to just get pregnant again, and don’t we want “real children” or “our own?”  Well yes we could probably get pregnant multiple times in the next 18 months, and we may never have another problem in a pregnancy.  That is possible.  It is also possible I have an easily diagnosed and treatable issue that has caused our miscarriages (like a progesterone deficiency).   We are not ruling out more biological children.  

This is not our plan B.  Adoption was always in plan A, it was just not necessarily right now.  We’ve decided to work on it now- but it is NOT plan B.

Those questions are so HURTFUL.  Firstly, any adopted child will be OUR OWN, and REAL.  Just like B is my REAL husband.  Chosen family is just as valid as born family.  Otherwise we’d all marry our siblings and cousins.  I suggest people try and think of it like that.

 Second, there is a lot stuff influencing our timeline decisions you may not know.  I need a medical test in March that I cannot have while pregnant or breastfeeding.  So, we have to wait until then to even think about trying to get pregnant.  We really want to be working on building our family in some way now.  So choosing our providers, hopefully starting our home study by January 2013 etc are all ways we can work on building our family NOW.  And there is no guarantee that I would get pregnant in March and it’ll work out.  We are pursing all of our avenues.  If I should become pregnant and we do not miscarry we always have the options of putting our adoption on hold, or not.  My understanding is DRC does allow families that are pregnant to adopt.   

We’re not closing our minds to the possibilities- we are open to them.

That is all for now.  Thanks for listening.  This mama needs a nap.

~M